Why Does My Partner Get Defensive When I Address an Issue With Them, and How Can We Work Through This?
In every relationship, partners sometimes exhibit defensive behaviors that hinder open communication and emotional connection. This defensive reaction can manifest for various reasons and, if left unaddressed, may lead to unresolved conflicts and emotional distance between partners. This blog will explore why defensive behaviors occur in relationships, what they look like, and most importantly, how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help couples overcome these barriers and build a deeper, more secure connection.
Why Do People Get Defensive in an Argument?
Emotional defense often arises as a coping mechanism in response to emotional vulnerabilities and past experiences. Some common reasons for defensive behaviors in a relationship include:
Fear of rejection: A partner may become defensive to shield themselves from potential rejection or abandonment, particularly if they have experienced past traumas or rejections in previous relationships.
Unresolved past conflicts: Baggage from past conflicts can linger in a relationship, leading partners to become defensive to protect themselves from being hurt again.
Communication breakdown: When communication becomes strained, and emotions are not effectively conveyed, defensive patterns may emerge to avoid misunderstandings or further conflict.
Feeling criticized or attacked: A partner may respond defensively when they perceive criticism or negative feedback, even if it is unintended.
What Does Emotional Defense Look Like?
Emotional defense can manifest in various ways, including:
Withdrawal: One partner may withdraw emotionally, avoid conversations, or shut down emotionally to protect themselves from potential hurt.
Blame-shifting: Instead of taking responsibility for their actions or emotions, a defensive partner may shift blame onto their significant other.
Stonewalling: A partner may refuse to engage in discussions, becoming unresponsive and emotionally distant.
Escalation: Defensive behavior can lead to heightened arguments and conflicts, where partners try to overpower each other with their emotions.
Dismissing emotions: A partner might belittle or dismiss their significant other's emotions, invalidating their feelings.
How to Deal with Emotional Defense Using Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Techniques
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a highly effective approach to addressing emotional defensiveness and other barriers to communication in relationships. It focuses on identifying and understanding emotions, and attachment needs while promoting secure emotional bonds between partners. Here are some EFT techniques to help deal with emotional defense:
Recognize the Defensive Patterns: Both partners must acknowledge and understand their defensive behaviors without judgment. This step involves increasing self-awareness and recognizing how these patterns impact the relationship.
Identify Underlying Emotions and Needs: With the guidance of a trained EFT therapist, partners can explore the emotions and attachment needs beneath their defensive reactions. This helps create empathy and understanding for each other's vulnerabilities.
Share Vulnerabilities: Encouraging open communication and vulnerability allows partners to express their feelings and needs without fear of judgment or rejection.
De-escalation: When conflicts arise, focus on de-escalation rather than winning the argument. Take breaks if necessary and return to the discussion with a calmer mindset.
Building Emotional Accessibility and Responsiveness: Practice being emotionally available and responsive to each other's needs. This involves active listening and validating each other's emotions.
Creating New Interaction Patterns: Replace old defensive patterns with healthier and more secure ways of interacting. Celebrate moments of emotional connection and positive communication.
Emotional defensiveness can be a challenging barrier to overcome in a relationship, but with dedication and the right approach, couples can cultivate a deeper emotional connection. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) provides a roadmap for navigating defensive behaviors, fostering emotional openness, and promoting a more secure and loving bond between partners. Remember, seeking the guidance of a trained EFT therapist can make a significant difference in the healing and growth of your relationship. Couples can build a more fulfilling and emotionally intimate partnership by embracing vulnerability and compassion.